Fears

I don't know if my feelings are normal or if I'm just a crazy person.  I feel like I can't get as excited as I want to be about this baby because I have this irrational fear of thinking it's too good to be true and could all end at any moment.  I guess every mom or mom-to-be has a certain level of fear and anxiety.  Every milestone I think "OK once I reach this stage I will let myself get excited or I can relax" but it doesn't come.  I thought it would get easier once we heard a heartbeat or once I made it to the second trimester but now, with about two weeks until the anatomy scan I find myself saying it again.  Every single time I go to the doctors I expect them to say "oh I'm so sorry Mrs. Robinson but you lost the baby or the baby has this issue ______."  I have a feeling that even if we get a clean bill of health for our littlest one that I will STILL think the rug will be pulled from underneath at any moment.

I don't know what is wrong with me or why I think this way,  maybe I am a pessimist or maybe it is a defense mechanism, I really don't know.  I was so nervous to tell people we were pregnant, I actually wanted to wait until 20 weeks and the anatomy scan.  Even with my growing belly and little kicks I feel from the inside I can't believe this is actually true, that I am actually pregnant.   It's really hard to explain because it isn't really a depressed feeling or even an anxious feeling, more of denial, if that makes sense.  I think it has to do with the fact that nothing is in my control, yes I am eating well, taking care of myself and this little one, taking my prenatal vitamins/fish oil/folic acid, etc but in reality everything is already in motion, I cannot do any more than I already am and that in itself is insanely terrifying.   I'm hoping after our 20 week ultrasound on Sept 12th (which happens to be our 2 year wedding anniversary) I will be able to embrace this pregnancy and set my fears aside.  We shall see...